I feel I’ve wasted so many years of my life, living in fear.

By Francesca Karmiri, 45 years old, patient

 I have been used to living with cancer for many years now.  When I was 20, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer in a routine check-up. He was 65 back then. Things got even more painful, as my young niece “passed away”, after been diagnosed with osteosarcoma which led to lung metastasis.

In 2018, my mother was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. Hope was pretty limited. According to doctors, she only had 10-15 more months to live. Five years have passed, my mother is still with us and that to me is the loudest message of hope.

Around the same time as my mother’s diagnosis, I started having breathing difficulties. I felt short of breath and after a CT scan, I was diagnosed with eosinophilia in my lungs. I immediately started immunotherapy and the symptoms stopped. I could breathe better. Naturally, I developed cardiac arrhythmias and atrial fibrillation, due to this condition.. But I am often on oxygen, I continue immunotherapy and cortisone treatment, according to medical instructions.

I am trying to cope. But it is too hard. Some years ago, I felt like I wanted to quit living. How can you live when you can’t breathe? How can you enjoy your family, your friends?

I’ve been living with this disease for several years. Just like my mother. It’s not easy but I hope the best is yet to come.  Treatments have side effects, but I feel like I have more physical and emotional energy than the years before. I receive psychological support, which I find essential in navigating through lung cancer. I met FairLife L.C.C.’s team and I really appreciate the work they do alongside patients and caregivers, living with lung cancer.

Sure, there are moments, when I feel overwhelmed by fear. Especially, when I have upcoming checkups. I am terrified. I’ve been living with fear for so long. I feel I’ve wasted so many years of my life.

I’ve been a heavy smoker and so was my mother. But I was determined to quit and so I did.  Besides, it was impossible to smoke, as every cigarette literally took my breath away. I imposed it on my mother too and now she is feeling so much better.

And yes, I have felt the lung cancer stigma, associated with smoking. I remember every disapproving glance, every word implying: “You asked for it!” I remember everything.

And I know, I’m responsible too. I know it better than anyone.

But I wish to leave it behind. I don’t want to answer for something I did in the past.

I’ve learned my lesson and I want to move forward. Enough with the stigma!

  March 14, 2023